One of the most important lessons I’ve learned this year (not specific to relationships, but to life as a whole) is to be extremely honest with myself about everything.
“The heart always knows what is true.”
I believe in this simple quote because human beings are very intuitive. We can always tell when something isn’t right for us. We get doubtful when we’re in false relationships or partnerships but sometimes we fail to listen to what our heart says.
I’m not an expert on relationships but I’ve slowly become an expert in telling myself the truth and I would encourage everyone to do this.
Relationships have become this thing people do for the fun of it or for others – we get married to someone because of what other people think, we get into relationships just because we don’t want to be alone and after a while, it starts to feel like we were forced into being in that relationship.
True friendship should be the basis of any relationship. I don’t think relationships should start off difficult – it should be simple, truthful, and slowly graduate from friendship into a deeply intimate relationship.
There should never be any pressure; you shouldn’t have to comprise your values or even your happiness just to be in that relationship.
Thinking about all of this made me come up with the +30 Rule. It started off as a joke but it has actually become ‘a thing’ for me now.
So what exactly is the +30 Rule?
It’s funny and simple! If you’re in your 20s or 30s and thinking about getting serious with someone – whenever you think about you and that person together, add 30 years (or more) to both your ages; think about them being really old and try to figure out if you’ll still love them when they’re old and wrinkly. Some of you probably cringed at the thought of that (LOL) better say goodbye to your partner (jokes).
As crazy as the +30 Rule sounds, it’s pretty helpful because there’s so much more to life than physical appearance or financial status and it’s sad to know that a lot of people haven’t realized that yet. The +30 Rule helps you truly ask yourself what it is about your partner that you like and if you’re in it for the long haul. It’s so easy to like anyone when they’re ‘young and popping’ but trust me, marriage and life will come with challenges that you never expected. Without a solid foundation of love, the willingness to make it work and strong/unified values in both partners, your relationship will never survive.
Growing up, I was such a Disney princess, everyone that really knows me can attest to this. I’ve always loved fairy tales and happily ever afters so the hardest part was probably realizing that life isn’t a fairy tale. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still SUPER optimistic but I’m just not fooled. Now that I’m grown, I don’t have to pretend that life is a fairy tale because God didn’t say there wouldn’t be challenges.
In life, most people experience more challenges than victories on a daily basis (think about it – it’s easier to get your car bashed than win a lottery). That’s why it’s so important to choose who you do life with wisely. You want someone who will stick with you even when things seem like they’re falling apart and not someone who is only in it for the fun times.
A few days ago, I was thinking about how some people (women especially) hold on to partners who they know aren’t right for them in the fear that they might “lose out” on love – I like to define it as ‘trapping your partner’.
There are so many negative consequences that can come from ‘trapping your partner’. People who do this always end up feeling unhappy, stuck, and frustrated.
I thought about a really weird and slightly gross analogy (brace yourself lol) that might help explain what trapping feels like. Imagine you set a rat trap with some cheese in order to lure the rat to the trap. Say you eventually get the rat in the trap right where you want it, you might feel like you’ve accomplished your goal right? Well not really, the hardest part is always getting the rat out when it’s dead and stinky.
It’s exactly the same thing with trapping a guy or girl. Luring someone into your life is very easy but getting rid of them when you realize how bad or wrong they are for you is always the heart breaking and difficult part. Which is why trapping anyone is never worth it.
Relationships should start off like friendships – I think it should be based on a mutual understanding and liking for each other. Personally, I can’t be with anyone who isn’t my friend – I have to see something in you that excites and motivates me. Also, acts of love should always be mutual – it’s unfair when one party gives more than the other.
I honestly believe that everyone deserves to be loved, appreciated and treated with respect. Love yourself enough to look beneath the surface and figure out what is really important to you. Do what makes YOU happy. Sometimes, people feel like if they let go of someone who isn’t right for them, they wouldn’t find love again – that’s probably one of the biggest lies you can tell yourself. Look beyond your current situation, envision and pray for all the good things you want and hopefully they will happen.
It’s always hard to picture the future being better than the past or present because we simply can’t see it. If someone gives you the option of having a fancy car or a ton of money to invest in a business of your choice, which will you take?
The truth is that most people would easily take the fancy car because that’s what they can see, that’s what they can show to others. They wouldn’t want to take a chance to invest and wait because we can’t see the future – everyone wants what they want NOW! We forget that the fancy car will probably be old and beat up in 5 years but the business might yield so much profit and earn you massive success. The point of my analogy is that patience and being forward thinking in relationships or life is everything!
Don’t lose sight of what you want because something seems attractive or seems like the best you will ever get. Always take a step back to analyse your situation, tell yourself the truth, and learn from your mistakes. If you have to, get a second opinion on your relationship from the people you value and trust.
Don’t forget to try out the +30 rule!
I wish anyone reading this love, happiness, and peace – may God give us wisdom to make great decisions not just in our relationships but in every other aspect of life. xo